My intention, following 11 hours the previous day spent hosting a fundraiser for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, was to push my journey back one day, to provide additional Time to pack and prepare my residence. This 'commitment or agreement modification' started to form about 9:00 PM PST on Saturday, and was almost in concrete by 11:30 PM same evening. It seemed like a perfect, reasonable excuse; very justifiable. ...and, what's one more day? My Saturday was spent joining with others on an honorable cause, my place was a disaster from giving away many of my material possessions, and my Beloved yellow Labrador, Gracie, appeared to be unsettled with all the movement and change manifesting before her.
How many times in my life have I reached a legitimate excuse to push back, or away, even if just for one more day, one more week, one more month, that which possesses the potential to serve me? I feel that replacement the word 'reached', in the previous sentence, with 'fabricated' or 'created' would be more accurate. Either way, digging up the past and generating quantities to reinforce the previous question or statement does not serve me Now. I choose in this moment to just be aware of my ability to push away that which provides me thoughts and feelings, such as peace, ease, and happiness; the empirical data, which I choose to not to quantify, tabulate, or summarize, leaves me with this knowing...which is enough for now.
I awoke from a short nap around 6:30 AM, look at my place, looked at myself in the mirror, and then left it all behind to clear my head and connect with God and Gracie, on a walk near the American River. Making my flight and 'showing up' for myself in Hawaii felt right...yet also felt so wrong considering the remaining tasks to complete. I had a choice...I always have had and have choice. Start now! Leave everything behind, as is, and make a decision to move into the direction that feels right...the love, the light...towards Spirit...Source...God! I literally arrived back at my residence, which literally looked like all of my drawers, closets and cupboards, committed all of their insides, and more, out into my living area and bedroom. Interestingly enough, as much as I love taking photographs, I do not have one photograph to remember this level of material disaster. Perhaps my mother or step-father, or dear friend M.S., has photographs to remember; each of these dear ones, and a few others, were to arrive later that day to pick up that which I left behind...neither I, nor them, knew what was coming their way. I am truly grateful to all who assisted in such selfless acts to support me in this journey. (BTW, if you have photographs mother, Steve, or Mike, let's discuss their fate at a later date TBD.)
I am now in Hawaii, staying at the Extension Center, for approximately two months, with no return ticket to Sacramento. What am I doing? I am here working to release and let go of attachments, such as beliefs and stories, that I have held onto for a few years...a few decades even. Beliefs and stories that I have gone to the 'mats' for; literally...I have found myself broken, battered, and bruised...externally, and internally. For what? What has been my benefit for these attachments...these beliefs that were never mine to begin with? It's identify perhaps...at least partially. This identify, these attachments - these are examples of what I desire and intend to separate from to reconnect with my true self. I have glimpses of who this is...and look forward to formally making my acquaintance.
That's enough for tonight. I am tired.
Thank you to all who have supported me along my way and who are happy that I am here now. The only gift I can offer anyone may sound like a selfish gift...that gift is the willingness to be present now, release and let go of that which no longer benefits or serves me, and to start purposefully living my life.
I love you all; thank you so much! Blessings and love! Muah!